Darker days

Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.

Psalm 118:18-20

Early this morning, we had a baby.  A sick baby.  We don't see many of these as we are in the "low risk" baby business....We don't play.  We don't pretend. Our babies are  robust, pink, crying...healthy...Not that we think we are immune. We know it can happen but are always on the look out...Always...

 Its at times like this that I feel Satan's doubt descend...Like a blanket covering my soul and whispers in my ear..."You should have known.." "You should have seen this coming.."  "Should have done this, should not have done that."  "Shoulds" buzzing around my head like angry bees...  The drone of their wings condemning me. "Your not good enough... Not skillful enough... Not worthy enough... Not ready..."  THE thief whispers and I can feel the heat of his rotting breath ...His words smother me like a wet wool blanket and I find myself gasping for air and clawing at the heaviness that has pressed in on my mind.  I replay scenes over and over..I can see paperwork and lab results that I poured over,  searching for, praying for, clues that would have given me...something... Darkness closes in and I try to escape in the liquid balm of sleep...  Yet, he is there still.  Wrestling with my subconscious, playing with my insecurities.  Such a coward is he to stalk and pounce when I am at my most vulnerable posture.  Images flit across my brain and I feel my eyelids twitch.  My breathe catches in my throat as I beg for answers, even as I struggle to empty my brain. Hot and sweaty then cold and shivering...Running, twisting... My adrenals wasted...My spirit weak.

As I come up for air, chest burning, my heart cries out,  "Lord, show yourself to me, please! Remind me that in the midst of this turmoil, angst and regret that YOU were there...YOU with YOUR purpose. YOUR control.  YOUR perfect plan.  Help me to see myself as the vessel YOU have called me to be.  A vehicle for couples as they make choices for their sweet babies...how and where.."

In my begging and weakness, My Father, quietly, mercifully,  grants me sweet, precious, relief..  "I AM", He says in my ear and I feel only His presence. I smell the aroma of His tenderness and peace. " I AM here. I AM your purpose.  I AM your control, Kelly.  I AM your perfect plan. THEIR perfect plan.  Stop fighting and rest in me.  Even in this, I AM...Stop trying so hard.  Because even as you fight him, you are fighting ME.  Do you really believe? Even now?  All those things you tell others about me. Do YOU, Kelly, believe?  Even in this? Then lift your voice to me in an offering of thanksgiving and I will meet you there."

I open my eyes and even before the words "Thank you" release themselves from my throat, I feel Satan's hold give. The heavy blanket gone.  My mind clear.  And I breathe...  How can I forget the power of thankfulness?  In ALL things give thanks, says the Lord.  Because He needs our pathetic offering of thanks?  No!    He knows the power that we posses, through His spirit within us, to thwart Satan with words and a heart of thankfulness  And yet so often, in my flesh, I deny it.

I open my mouth and my heart blooms.  "Thank you Lord for the gift of  this baby and the miracle of birth.  Thank you Lord for a beautiful couple who saw you there the whole time and for the family you are in the process of creating for them . Thank you for allowing me to experience your hand and for future "events" that will inevitably come.   Thank you for your sovereignty and promise of working all together for good.

Baby breathes and baby breathes, then it doesn't.

I am told even if the location was different, the outcome would have been the same.. Does this make it better?  Some days it does.  Some days it doesn't.  Like a birth, inch by inch, through submitting my flesh to Him, He reveals Himself to me. And even this event is a revelation.   I see that my peace isn't delivered by knowing it all or understanding it all.  It is through knowing Christ in the midst of these circumstances..Choosing to trust Him.  Choosing to hear Him, CHOOSING to BELIEVE HIM...and thanking Him for ALL things.  To allow Him to blanket me softly in a veil of silk and lace.  Lace of His comfort, assurance, and love and to rest there..even as my phone rings..again.

Families of thier own

Exodus 1:21  And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families if their own.

During my years as a Doula, I often got the question, "Are you ever going to become a Midwife?"  My answer always was, "Maybe after the law changes."

The truth is, I was worried about the fact that I didn’t know many married midwives...Most were either divorced or on a second marriage.  Some were single, never having had children themselves.  In the books I read, most midwives were  widows.  I looked at this and knowing the stress I was living with as an attendant, pretty much decided that maybe married women were not supposed to be midwives.  Always having one foot out the door lends itself to a type of "distraction" that for the most part isn’t conducive to marriage, at least to the type of marriage I wanted.

You see, I like my husband.  I like being available to him, and sharing life with him.  Dave, as I mentioned in previous posts, is a wonderful, steady, loyal man.  He is thought-FULL, meaning he carries the majority of his thoughts in his head, rather that releasing them to those around him..ie:me.  Being a woman, I naturally, desire an "intimate" relationship with him that includes verbal intimacy.  But to have verbal intimacy, one must be around..

 When I began my "career", there were no cell phones and very little Internet so the reality of easy access communication we so enjoy (?) today was not available then.  If I was gone for the day, I was gone.  Yes, I could call home but it really didn't lend itself to much communication.  Imagine, a low, laboring moan in the background....Nope.  Didn't work.  So our marriage communication during my on-call years mainly consisted of: where (is this birth), when (are you coming home), and what (is there for dinner)...sprinkled along with childcare questions, and deep, tired sighs, etc.  Really, most times it seemed to be a better idea not to call home.  The more inaccessible I was, the better everyone did at just figuring things out.

Fast forward 18 years...Everyone is still alive.  Dave and I still married.  Internet and cell phones are here to stay but here I am back to the (personal) question, "Are married women  supposed to be midwives?"

Obviously, to just looks at those around me expecting God's answer for ME is not the way I know He will answer, so to His word I go.  (And it only took 18 years!)

In God's entire word, he only speaks of midwives one time.  In my younger days, I might  have been a bit miffed by this.  The Bible has 66 "books" in it and well over two thousand  pages.  But it is only in the book of Exodus, in a mere 6 verses that we see God himself refer to them.   Now, though, that I am in my "older" years, the fact that The Creator of the world even mentions midwives astounds me!  You see, the older I get, the more reverent and in awe I become of the enormity of the truth that the Bible is God's inherent word to us.  I have learned that when the Lord chooses to speak directly of a subject, He means business!  We are to take Him at His word and stay focused on what He is saying...Sometimes I think we make the Bible out to be much harder to understand, dissecting over and over  the verses, seeking the discernment of "wiser" men and women in search for meaning and understanding.  Don't get me wrong...I do believe that The lord has anointed others to help us with these things but how many times do we (me) first turn to a "teaching" before turning to God himself for understanding.   God's LIVING word.  What does that mean to you? If it means that you believe, first, that His Word IS from God, second, that His Word IS for you, today, then doesn’t that mean that we should pay close attention to what is being said and receive it as truth...for today?

So today, I am back in Exodus.  In the story, the Israelites are still enslaved in Egypt awaiting the One who will free them from brutal oppression.  In an attempt to limit the possibility of a messiah, the king of Egypt came to the Hebrew midwives and commanded them to kill any male babies born to Hebrew slaves.  The midwives however, "feared" God and did not do it and let the boy babies live...."Gods word says this:  "So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous.  And because the midwives feared God, He gave them families of their own."....

Humm...He gave them families of their own.  Families.  Not just children, because although we know one can have children without a husband, but whole families...Moms, dads, and children.

So what does that say to me personally....
Personally, as I contemplate this, I go back to the beginning of that passage...It says that the midwives "feared" God.  Pastor James McDonald from Walk in the Word, says that The"fear" of God is this : " The attitude of a heart that seeks a right relationship to the fear-source."  Its the act of seeking a right relationship with Him...The ACT.  By definition, Act means: anything done, being done, or to be done. The midwives in Exodus didn't just sit around and talk about the sanctity of life or what  someone ELSE aught to be doing... THEY ACTED.  They put into motion a response towards that right relationship with God.  Not out of,  "Oh, my gosh!" fear, but out of "We love Him and want Him and His favor" fear.  It was a fear that trusted,   a fear that showed true love for their Father in heaven, and a fear that was willing to face fleshly fear to receive the plan the Lord set before them.


And how did God reward them???  With families of their own.  Human rubies, diamonds, emeralds and sapphires.   Riches beyond measure...The Word doesn't say He gave them families and took away the calling of being a midwife..It says He added families to the call on their lives. To enrich it, to grow with it, to  be reminded daily  of His goodness and love


So as I walk toward this "cauling", that includes interrupted nights, long days and no sleep, I too receive the "gift" that has been handed down to us midwives... A beautiful family of my own: Dave, Molly, Kendall and Emma...